On wanting to be taken for granted

 I hope it will not always be the case, and that one day I may be struck by present-day emotion in a sufficient way to spur me to creation, that my childhood will always be the starting point of every thought that I wish to write. I aspire to a day that all things past have been sufficiently dissected, observed, studied, named, labelled and stored beyond use that a new creative life begins. Within me is fear that my childhood and adolescent experiences are all that I am, or at least all that is interesting or has power. A consequent rejection of completing the work and moving on endures. These, really, are thoughts for another day. To work through with my well-paid and patient therapist. 

For now, the place where all creative energy exists is within the relationship between past and present. In the anger, regret, sadness, relief or pride that lives between the then and the now.  

There were things I could take for granted when I was young. It’s hard to remember them vividly because I spent those years taking them so (the clue is in the description). In retrospect then; I knew there would always be food to eat, clothes to wear, someone at home when I arrived back from wherever I had been, usually school. I knew that there would be library books to read, a lift to church youth groups, someone to call the doctor if I wasn’t well. Sounds good. There were also things I could not take for granted which are harder to define but are to do with feeling and being safe, loved, watched over, regarded, understood and thought about. The lack of these things has so far been impossible for me to get over, find replacements for and for my mind and body to forget. 

Presumably as some sort of subconscious reaction to this situation, I overcompensate by being extremely vigilant in ensuring that I do all in my power to help everyone I meet feel safe, loved, watched over, regarded, understood and thought about. In modern-speak, ‘seen’. This may sound immodest but I’m really good at it and it comes naturally to me because of, you know, the above. It’s real when I do it, but I also know from where it springs. My MO is to ensure that all and sundry can take me all the way for granted. And so some do. And that is also complicated.